Finding the Strength to Come Back

Here they are.  The thoughts inspired by Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back, Josh Hamilton's memoir. 

Addiction.  It comes in so many forms and starts for so many reasons.  I know people who are alcoholics in varying states of recovery, and I have a dear friend who is a recovering drug addict.  It's not something that I have always understood.  At the same time, I have always tried to understand.  But I figured that I'd never live it, so I would never really get it.

And then, over the past several months, I have come to understand myself in a different way.  I have come to see that while I smoked a handful of cigarettes when I was 16 but never became a smoker, while I drink a few times a month and have gotten drunk a couple of times over the last 14 years but never became an alcoholic, and while I have never used an illegal drug or misused a prescription drug, I am still an addict.  It's hard to admit, but I seriously have a problem with food.  In his memoir, Josh talked about being both an alcoholic and a drug addict.  He said that he needs to completely avoid alcohol, because he is unable to stop at just one drink.  In 2009, he had a very public relapse that began with a late-night dinner at a pizza place and the question, "What could one drink hurt?" 

For me it is a question of what can one bag of jelly beans hurt?  What can one fast food meal hurt?  What can one run through Culver's hurt?  And then it goes further than that, because I struggle with self control.  What can sleeping in one morning hurt?  What can one day away from my Bible reading hurt?  What can one lapse in self-discipline hurt?  For me, the answer is a lot.  The answer is that it's never just one day.  Because I'm an addict.

I hope that I'm not belittling the damages that are caused by alcohol and drug addictions.  I'm certainly not trying to do so.  I know that those addictions destroy families and careers and lives.  I know that food addictions don't do that.  At least not normally.  From time to time, though, they do.  I hope it doesn't for me.  I'm certainly not the healthiest person around, but I am also not in real danger of dying because of my addiction.  At least not at this point.  But I've seen it in people.  I've seen food consume them.  I've seen an extra-large casket at a funeral.  I know that it can happen.

But beyond the physical problems from addictions, there is a deeper issue.  There's the fact that this isn't what I was created for.  There's the fact that God wants one lord of my life, and it's Him.  It's not cocaine or Jack Daniels or Burger King.  It's Him.  It's Him. 

I had a bad month.  My husband may have witnessed that, but there is also a lot that I did in secret this month.  I hate it.  I hate that I did it.  I hate that I relapsed.  But I love that I can come back.  I love that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

I read Beyond Belief at an interesting time.  The copy that I read has an extra chapter, updating readers on Hamilton's relapse in 2009.  I finished the book and looked Josh up online only to discover that he relapsed again early this month.  What heartbreak.  And then to read some of the negative comments that people are writing about him and even to him . . . why?  Why?  Because it's hard to admit that something could have so much power over you?  Because it's easier to judge him and find him a failure than to take a look at the addictions in your own life?  This was a horrible month for me.  It was set off by a new medication that erased the weight I lost in January.  I decided that meant it erased all the hard work I'd done and decided to cash it all in.  I couldn't see how it was worth it, so I barely worked out, and I ate what I wanted.  I'm embarassed to have to face what I did to myself this month and how I ended up back where I said I never wanted to go again.  But that's addiction.  That's relapsing.  That's life.  Thank God there's grace.

I believe that Josh Hamilton is a public figure representing the private battles so many of us face.  No matter the addiction, no matter the number of relapses, no matter the person, there's power in facing it.  There's power in acknowledging it.  There's power in getting back up to start all over.  So this becomes a new month for me.  This becomes a learning experience and another step in my journey--another page in my story.  I have the strength to come back, in the exact same place where I found the strength for day one: in admitting that I am hopeless on my own and hope-filled in Him.

Reviewing Month One

Looking back, this month has gone quite quickly.  I want to take a few minutes to review month one, make any adjustments that I need to, and move forward into February.  Overall, I feel good about how January ended, and I certainly see places where I can improve.

* Physically:
Goal - I want to lose 60 pounds by December 31.  This comes out to about five pounds a month, and as of last Saturday, I have lost 4 pounds.  These are 4 pounds that I've lost and gained several times over the past several months, but this time they're gone for good.  (Positive self talk works, right?)

Plan - I have not been exercising at least 45 minutes each work day.  I have come close--averaging about five days a week.  I have done well at controlling my portions, and I've mostly stopped eating when I was full.  At the beginning of the month I did a better job delaying my cravings and choosing not to give in.  Over the last two weeks I've done less well with that.  So this month I need to work out more and win the craving battles.

* Spiritually:
Goal - I want to read through the Bible this year and live a more grateful life. This morning I started reading the February readings, so I'm doing very well with my reading.

Plan - Nearly every morning I have started with my Bible, even if I haven't first worked out.  The days when I've chosen to sleep in, I have done so intending to still wake up by 6:30 so I can spend time reading and praying.  I'm not current in my prayer book, but I've tried to be more conscious about living a prayerful day.  I've also done a terrible job keeping current in my blessings calendar.  That's my biggest area for improvement this month.  If I'm grateful, I can write it down.  If I'm not writing it down, I feel like I'm saying that I'm not grateful.

* Mentally:
Goal - I want to blog at least 25 days a month, and I want to read at least 24 books this year. This is post number 25 for January, so that's exciting.  I have also completed two books and am a good chunk of the way through my third.  There's also a fourth in progress on my Kindle, but that's a Stephen King, so I'm going to need a while.

Plan - One of the books I read in January was our book club book, and one was a book that has been on my book list for about six months.  This third one I'm reading has also been on my list for a long time.  I don't really have a lot of need for improvement in this area, though I'd like to read my book club books with less procrastination from now on.  My February nights are quite busy at the beginning of the month--co-chairing the Scholastic Book Fair at Ellie's school--so it will be a feat to get both books done.  It will definitely take some self discipline.  :)